The definitive St. Thomas dining hall cookie ranking

I shouldn’t let a simple piece of dessert affect my day, but as the saying goes, “I’m just a girl,” and I love my sweet treats.

As a first-year student at St. Thomas, I have an unlimited meal plan. This has allowed me to try every cookie in the dining halls many times, so of course, I have an opinion on which cookie is the best.

I understand the phrase “great cookie” means different things to different people because we all have our preferences, and maybe you’re more of a cake person.

There are seven different cookies on the menus at the View and Northsider. Although they are all quite different, I believe all cookies should have some common features.

The best cookies have layers of texture. The outer ridges should be a bit crisp, and the middle should be soft and chewy but not gooey. The cookies at the apex of the hierarchy taste great whether they are room temperature or freshly baked. They should be big enough to get a good taste and not too flat – these are cookies, not pancakes.

I’m a firm believer in “less is more, but more is too loud.” Meaning, if there are raisins or chocolate chips, there should be enough in each bite. Too many in a cookie can be as bad as not enough, so there better be more than one chocolate chip, but please do not give me a cookie with thirty raisins. That being said, here are my rankings of the seven cookies at the View and Northsider from worst to best.

#7. Peanut butter

On the bottom of the ranking is peanut butter. It just doesn’t stick out to me; no pun intended. I really do enjoy peanut butter, and I expected more from this cookie. I remember the first time trying it, and to be honest, I didn’t take a second bite. The cookie is soft but truthfully a little soggy at times, leaving just one layer of mush, and they are almost always very tiny. There is an excessive amount of peanuts in it that could probably break your teeth, which is an immediate turnoff. There is a fine line between enjoying peanut butter and liking peanuts as a snack.

I admit, I do take the peanuts out of the trail mix, but if we’re going to call this the “peanut butter cookie,” just refrain from putting fifty thousand chopped-up peanuts in the batter. Due to the active ingredient being peanut butter, these cookies are flattened before baking to ensure they cook all the way through, so this is an exception to them looking as if a truck ran over them in the oven. I truly wished these were better than they are. I feel like there is so much potential that they’ll never reach, especially in a college dining hall that has to make such large amounts of cookies.

#6. Sugar Cookie

Picture this: I arrive at St. Thomas for an official visit my senior year of high school, and the cookie of the day in the View is a sugar cookie. They’re new and freshly served in the display, meaning the cookie is soft and warm with sugar sprinkled on top. I thought they were freaking delicious. Sadly, this high expectation plummeted to the depths of the ocean once I was actually attending St. Thomas. Whether it be the View or Northsider, the sugar cookies are the perfect size, thickness and color. These qualities make them very appealing; however, the dining hall must be stuck in the global sugar shortage of 2023 because these sugar cookies are heavily lacking sugar on top. Additionally, once these bad boys sit out for longer than 10 minutes, they become rock-hard, leaving us with a plain and tasteless brick for dessert.

But hey, there’s always the ice cream machine, right?

#5. Oatmeal Raisin

I want to be very clear: I have nothing against raisins, and I feel as if they get a bad rap. Maybe I even feel bad for them? Everyone avoids them for absolutely no reason (myself included) when they occasionally hit the spot, especially in these cookies. The plain yet buttery taste of the oatmeal combined with the twinge of sweetness in the dried-out grapes makes for a satisfying moment. I was quite impressed with the almost perfect layering of chewiness, but this impression faded like chalk in the rain as this cookie crumbled to pieces in my lap.

Irritation was at an all-time high because this cookie made it feel like I was home in the blink of an eye. I must give props as oatmeal is difficult to bake with; it can be very unpredictable and burns easily. Yet, these cookies are consistently the same size and texture at both dining halls. I think you can tell I hold my standards way too high.

#4. Regular Chocolate Chip

Dear Regular Chocolate Chip Cookies,

You are indeed good, but I’m waiting for you to be great. There’s something off about you that I can’t quite put my finger on. Maybe it’s just that you aren’t made by my mom? I don’t mean to be harsh; it’s just the truth.

These chocolate chip cookies honestly bore me just a bit. Some green flags are that they’re the perfect size to fit in your stomach even after a whole meal, they have a chocolate chip with each bite and a golden-brown outer edge that gives a crunch and they even stay tasty after taking some in your backpack for later. But the red flags drag them down: They are flat and do not have multiple layers of flavor, and the dough tastes a bit like it was pre-made and bought in a store. I am not saying store-bought dough isn’t good, it’s just not fantastic.

I just can’t overcome the feeling of disappointment when these are served; it’s almost the same feeling as when you drive by Chipotle, and your mom tells you there’s food at home.

They have good qualities, but the bad ones just overshadow them. But I will never place a classic on the bottom, so at a rank of number four, they get a participation award. Why do I feel like I’m trying to kindly insult chocolate chip cookies?

#3. Snickerdoodle

The name “Snickerdoodle” comes from the German word “schneckennudel,” which means cinnamon bun. So technically, these cookies should taste like a cinnamon bun, but I think St. Thomas didn’t get the memo because these rarely have enough cinnamon or sugar rolled into the cookies, leaving them to only taste like sand. Keyword: RARELY!

But, man, oh man, when these cookies are correctly made in our dining halls, they are exquisite. They never crumble or fall apart and are the perfect consistency with the sugar and cinnamon around the edges and simplicity in the middle. These cookies are an underdog; we forget about their existence until that occasional random Thursday when they become the best dessert of the whole week. If only they could always be a 10/10, then they’d be a bit more competitive in this ranking, but for now, bronze is the best they will get.

#2. Rocky Road

The Rocky Road cookies are flavorful and rich but so is St. Thomas. This is why I do not understand why we can’t afford to put real marshmallows in our rocky road cookies. I am partially kidding! I fully accept the white chocolate chips, and as the only fully chocolate cookie on our dessert menu, it never struggles to stand out. The contrast between the cocoa-based dough and surprise, the surprise being the beautiful bits of toffee, make these melt in your mouth, and the chewiness and crunch are equally distributed. On average, these are the largest cookies served to us in the View and Northsider, which is no problem to me because I will never get sick of them. I mean, have you ever used them to create an ice-cream cookie sandwich? It’s life-changing, which is why I decided to give them the silver medal. Maybe marshmallows would have changed their fate.

#1. Chocolate Chip Toffee

Where do I even start?  When I asked many students here at St. Thomas, almost all of them said the chocolate chip toffee was their number one. Of course, some people disagreed, but to be honest, I don’t care. At both dining halls, the chocolate chip toffee cookies are the same every time: divine. They are crisp and golden around the edges and chewy and soft in the middle. In every bite, you get mouth-watering layers of chocolate, cookie dough, toffee and a tinge of salt that balances it all out. They are the perfect size, yet sometimes I wish they were the size of a frisbee cause they’re so good. These cookies can make my day shine even when it’s cloudy and will take the winning crown every time in my book. I have begun to question if they put drugs in these cookies; they have us hooked and addicted.

Emmy Schulz can be reached at schu4600@stthomas.edu.